i just made my gag reflex go away.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
