he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize