sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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