I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
