How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
