They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
