go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
