Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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