Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
