You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
fuck your aforementioned shoe
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
