Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
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