How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize