i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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