i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
