he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
