i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
