I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Randomize
