I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
