she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
