I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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