Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
His nipple licking is glorious
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