I think I won the penis lottery.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
