I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
