having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
