Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
