you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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