enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
