Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
