Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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