how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
