I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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