I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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