Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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