I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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