just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize