Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
