I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
