dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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