Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
