There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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