I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
