Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
