She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
