I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
