Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
