No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
