Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
