Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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