sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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