Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
