did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
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