Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Randomize
