I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
