So drunk its hurt
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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