I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
