I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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